Happy Together

Blessed Are The Meek

by John Bosio

     The relationship of many couples can be summed up in the following exchange I witnessed during a marriage counseling session. 

     Margaret and Jim sought counseling because they had been arguing about sex.  He wanted more.  She was always too tired. 

     Sitting in my office Margaret started the conversation with a litany of chores that summed up her life.  “In the morning I make everyone’s bed.  Then I make breakfast, get the kids dresses and then take them to school.  I go to my work and later on my way home I pick up the kids from daycare.  I cook dinner and make sure Chris and Amy do their homework.  On weekends I shop for the family, I do the laundry and clean the house.  And, by the way, I have a full time job.  I am exhausted!” 

     When she paused the woman was almost breathless, and Jim was looking at the floor and shaking his head as if he had heard this recitation many times. 

     There was a lot of tension in the room.  To break the ice I said: “It makes me tired just listening to you.”  Margaret smiled, but the husband ignored my comments. 

     Raising his head and looking at her Jim said with an angry tone: “Don’t you complain!  I do my part.  I work eighty hours a week to keep our business going and after work I have to entertain clients.  My job is what keeps this family going!  My load is just heavier.  You do not have to work full time.” 

     The room was silent for a long time.

     Marriage is a team sport.  These two were not acting as members of the same team.  If they were paddling a canoe on the Mississippi river they would go in circles and the current would sweep them away and carry them far from their destination.

     “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth,” (Matt. 5:5) preached Jesus.  

     Being meek, as Jesus commands us, does not mean being a wimp and letting others step all over us.   The meekness preached by Jesus in this Beatitude is the outcome of a mind set that allows us to interact with others feeling OK about ourselves and with an open mind toward others. 

     Margaret and Jim were so wrapped up in their personal pains that were not willing to hear nor consider each other’s point of view. 

     To grow in meekness we must develop the gift of humility, also known as piety; one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit received at Baptism. 

     Humility is the ability to temporarily suspend our preoccupation of ourselves to pay attention and to welcome them into our life.

     For married couples being meek means being willing to listen without interrupting.  It means paying attention and giving the benefit of the doubt before accusing.  It means having the courage to express one’s feelings, opinions, and wishes without being pretentious, demanding or arrogant.  It means admitting a mistake and asking forgiveness.  

     The attitude of meekness keeps spouses in tune with each other and working together instead of each doing their own thing and fighting each other, as Margaret and Jim were doing.

     Conflicts and disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, especially in the marital relationship because of its intimate nature.  John Gottman, a researcher at the University of Washington reports that all couples have irreconcilable differences that cause conflicts. 

     He writes that 66% of marital disagreements are never resolved.  Couples that display meekness acknowledge their conflicts and do their best to solve them or to live with them.  Gottman writes in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: “you need to understand the bottom line difference that is causing the conflict between you – and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.  Only then will you be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into your marriage.”  (p.24)

     Learning to honor and respect each other is the essence of meekness.

     Meekness is not an easy virtue.  We need help.  The Church reminds us that Christ is near, ready to help: “Christ dwells with them [the spouses], gives them the strength to take up their crosses and to follow him, to raise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another and to bear one another’s burdens.” #1642   The Catechism of the Catholic Church.

     Fortunately Margaret and Jim were able to draw from their Christian faith enough humility and courage to admit that they had ignored each other tuned each other out.  They acknowledged that they were so wrapped up in their own individual worlds, that they were not willing to listening to what the other was saying or needing.  Ultimately they agreed that they did not want to continue fighting.  Some conflicts were resolved others remained unresolved and flared up from time to time.  They took joint ownership for all their many responsibilities and decided to help each other cope. 

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”  Benedict XVI in Jesus of Nazareth interprets the inheritance of the meek as the “land of the king of peace,” the Kingdom of God.  Spouses who embrace meekness will create a home where true peace exists.  Their life becomes to others a sacrament of God’ love, a taste of the Kingdom.

     Faith and prayer are always the fundamental reason couples succeed in finding happiness together.  Meekness is the result of “piety” one of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit.  Ask the Holy Spirit to help you grow in humility, then turn toward your spouse to listen; to welcome your beloved into your world, and seek to understand your mate’s needs.

Question for reflection:  Are Do you show the attitude of "meekness" by listening and trying to understand your spouse?  How do you and your spouse resolve your conflicts?  Does one of you always end up giving in?  When was the last time that you and your spouse agreed to disagree without holding a grudge? Are you and your spouse competing in ways that are destructive to the relationship? 

Bosio © 2008 This article was published in the Tennessee Register on September 19, 2008.