Blessed are the peacemakers
by John Bosio
A friend shared the story of his marriage over lunch. He said: “When I got married I believed I had hit the jackpot. There I was, a poor boy from Tennessee marrying a well-educated and successful executive from a New York firm. She was making three times my salary, driving a company car, a brand new BMW, and talking about a promising career with her firm. As we dated we dreamed of a big home, nice cars, and expensive vacations to exotic places.”
“Lucky you!” I said to my friend.
Shaking his head he replied: “That is not the whole story. Six months after the wedding, Mary was pregnant. We were both exited. Then, after our first-born came along Mary made a sudden career change. She decided she wanted to stay home and be a full time mom to our son. That was a shock to me. This meant that I had a big mortgage, a wife and a child to support, all on my very meager salary. I was scared, and became very angry.
During the first twelve months of our son’s life Mary and I argued a lot about all sorts of things. There was a war going on between us. Underlying all the painful skirmishes was the deep resentment I felt. I felt cheated! This was the point in our relationship where I could have let my bitterness turn me away from Mary and conclude: ‘I want out of this situation. This is not what I have bargained for.’”
My friend paused for a long time. I asked: “What happened? You are still together, aren’t you? How did you make it?” He continued: “What kept us together was our faith. Not knowing what to do I turned to God for help and asked him to guide me and to give me the strength to discuss this subject with Mary without letting my anger get in the way.
It took me a while to muster the courage, but I did. Mary listened and then said: ‘To me, money is just money and we don’t need many of the things we have.’ She believed that our son needed the love and the presence of one of us more than we needed the material things we had. I could not disagree. I felt the same way, but I did not like the conclusion that these thought were leading us to. I wanted for her to work and earn an income. After many heart to heart conversations on this subject we decided to downsize our home and to live on a budget we both could agree on and that fit our limited income.”
I don’t know how many couples have had a similar situation; however, I am certain that all couples sooner or later face disappointments that cause conflicts in the relationship. Some of these may be easy to resolve, but others are serious and threatening to the relationship, such as a spouse being irresponsible with the use of the family money, having an affair, suffering from a serious addiction, etc. All of these bring with them much pain, especially for the spouse who feels negatively impacted or injured.
“Blessed are the peacemakers,” preached Jesus. How does anyone bring peace to a relationship full of turmoil? I think that my friend had the answer. Sometimes only faith can give us the courage to do the things that even reason cannot move us to do. John Paul II proclaimed in his World Day of Peace message on Jan. 1st, 2002, “No peace without justice, no justice without forgiveness.”
Christopher West writes in his book: The Love That Satisfies, “Forgiving someone means releasing that person to God’s justice and mercy. It means allowing God’s love (the Holy Spirit) to penetrate and permeate our wounded hearts.” The Catechism of the Catholic Church encourages us to offer our wounded heart to the Holy Spirit and to turn injury into compassion and the hurt memories into intercession. (#2843) In other words, part of forgiveness is praying for the person who injured us. But forgiveness does not mean that reparation is not necessary. The person who causes damage needs to make reparation, but that by itself is not sufficient to heal the wounds. Such healing can only come through the help of God’s grace.
Peace cannot come by simply ignoring the conflicts. Prayer is important but when conflicts threaten the relationship spouses need a human mediator. A trained marriage counselor can help diffuse the tension and the emotions that conflicts create and look at the facts as objectively as possible. In the Diocese of Nashville we are blessed with the services of professional counselors who are trained to work with couples and families. Their services are available through Catholic Social Services and can be reached by calling: (615) 352-3087.
My friend and his wife Mary succeeded in finding peace because, when disappointed and overwhelmed by their situation, they humbly turned to God in prayer and to each other for help. They acknowledged that their son needed their presence more than they needed the material luxuries they enjoyed with two incomes, and they put their son’s needs over their material comfort. What they chose to do may not be the right solution for every couple, but the acceptance of their need for God and for each other’s help is the attitude that got them through many rough spots and brought them joy over the years.
Question for reflection: In the face of disappointments, betrayals and hurts caused by decisions made by your spouse, what do you do? How do you restore peace in your relationship after a conflict appears? Have you ever prayed for your spouse when you are upset with him or her? Do you and your spouse have conflicts that cause you distress and you would like to resolve but you do not seem able to resolve by yourselves? For resources on marriage see: http://www.foryourmarriage.org.
Bosio © 2008 This article was published in the Tennessee Register on January 9, 2008.
John Bosio is a parishioner of St. Stephen Catholic Community in Old Hickory Tennessee. He is a global human resources manager for Caterpillar Financial Services Corp. and an adjunct professor at Aquinas College. He is the author of a newly released book: “Happy Together: The Catholic Blueprint for a Loving Marriage.” He can be contacted at (615) 884-9287.