Happy Together

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

by John Bosio

     A friend complained: “I don’t know what to do.  My manager tells me that to grow in my career I need to be willing to relocate.  Unfortunately, Grace, my wife does not want to move to another city.  She was born here, and all of her family lives in town.  She has made it very clear to me that she is not moving. I am so angry with Grace that a few weeks ago I thought of applying for a job opening in Boston, just to see what she would do.”

     My friend paused in silence for a long time.  Then, he took a deep breath and said: “I don’t want to put my career before Grace’s wishes but I also don’t want to have limited opportunities for advancement because of her unwillingness to move.  What do you think?” he asked.

     Our conversation went on for some time revealing that this conflict was just one of many for this couple.  Then, after a while my friend concluded: “This subject makes me very depressed.  You know that I would never leave Grace!  I am committed to her and to my children.  I just needed to vent.  Thanks for listening.” 

     My friend was mourning the loss of his dreams.  He had imagined a blissful marriage without conflicts, and a glamorous career without obstacles.  The reality of life was hitting him hard. 

Grieving our losses, whether physical, emotional or spiritual is part of the human condition and is always accompanied by suffering.  The mourning process is an essential step in healing and growing.  It allows us to face reality, to recognize and accept our losses, and to make the necessary changes to cope and to adjust.  In proclaiming, “Blessed are those who mourn.” (Mat. 5:4)  Jesus is inviting us to let our pains remind us of our humanness, and turn to God and to others for consolation.

     Every couple knows that the building of a solid marriage involves pain and sacrifice.  There are the growing pains and the mourning associated with letting go of some expectations, habits, priorities, and even dreams for the sake of the relationship.  Then, there are the hurts that spouses cause each other through unfulfilled promises, big and small, and the losses of trust and affection that ensue after a betrayal.  However, the greatest obstacles to our growth as a couple are not the pains we experience but our denial of them.  This is a refusal to mourn.  Too often, to avoid facing the difficult realities of our life we anesthetize ourselves with denial.  We may pretend that no problem exists when a spouse seems distant and withdrawn, or becomes violent.  We may deny that anything is wrong when a spouse drinks excessively and secretively.  We may ignore unresolved conflicts or recurring arguments.  When we deny our pains we disconnect ourselves from the reality of our life and pretend that everything is fine, yet we slowly drift apart. 

     “Blessed are those who mourn.”  Unless we allow ourselves to mourn; that is, unless we have the courage to acknowledge our pains and recognize what has been lost we will find it difficult to reach out to our spouse to resolve our differences.  Facing reality and the truth when it is painful in not easy.  That is why so many falter.  They refuse to mourn.  They choose denial and let their relationship die.

      You, as a Christian couple, through the gift of faith, have the benefit of God’s grace.  In Baptism you receive the Holy Spirit’s gift of “Knowledge,” the ability to know the truth.  Ask the Holy Spirit for the courage to face the true source of your pains.  Then, pray for the strength to make the changes you need to make.

     My friend and his wife Grace have since started going to church regularly.  In addition they sought professional help for guidance in resolving their many conflicts.  He is very talented and his career is growing and has not suffered because of his lack of mobility.

     The Christian attitude leads to holiness not by escaping pain but by embracing it as one’s own cross.  John Paul II stated that suffering is a tool for redemption.  In his Apostolic Letter on Suffering (Salvifici Doloris) he encouraged us to accept the pains that life brings not with bitterness but as a cross through which we join Christ in suffering for the salvation of all.  Benedict XVI in his encyclical on Hope (Spes Salvi) recalls that there was a time when in the face of suffering we used to encourage one another to “offer it up.”  He wonders whether it might be appropriate to revive this counsel again.  He writes: “In this way, even the small inconveniences of daily life could acquire meaning and contribute to the economy of good and of human love.” #40

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”  Matt 5:4

Question for reflection:  What are the pains you experience in your relationship?  Do you find yourself denying certain pains because acknowledging them would force you to make some changes you do not want to make?  

Bosio © 2008      This article was published in the Tennessee Register in August, 2008.